Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
