ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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