the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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