if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
