the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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