Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
