I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
