I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
