We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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