then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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