Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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