Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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