I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
