It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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