"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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