Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
