Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I didn't notice because vodka
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
