So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
