I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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