I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You're like the curious george of whores
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
