Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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