I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
