I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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