Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
