I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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