I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
