Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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