I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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