Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
