You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
