put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
