the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
