Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
