thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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