I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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