Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
