I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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