I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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