I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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