this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
