I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
