dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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