We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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