I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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