we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he was CRYING into my vagina
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
