if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The best revenge is premature balding
operation have a gay friend backfired
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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