So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
