i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
should my penis look like a turkey
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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