It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
