I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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