What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Shame - the story of my life.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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