If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
