dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
