I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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