my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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