i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i believe in u and ur pee
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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